


Vassilissa The Wifi-Less

by crowndantes



Category: Slavic Mythology & Folklore
Genre: Gen, Modern AU, but i wrote it with a twist, but tbh we only had 2 lessons in class to work on this, fairytales that got really distorted, if you havent read the original, its called vassilissa the beautiful, kinda shot, my english teacher made me, not really - Freeform, very very rushed im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-19 14:41:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18137075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crowndantes/pseuds/crowndantes
Summary: some random shit i wrote in english classbutweird





	Vassilissa The Wifi-Less

There was once a girl called Vassilissa who was born to a very wealthy family. However, her mother was diagnosed with a terminal disease. Her mother wanted her to visit her in the hospital, so Vassilissa hopped into her shiny black family Porsche and drove off. (With a chauffeur, of course, as she was not of legal age – yet.)   
When Vassilissa approached the hospital, her mother beckoned her to come closer. Her beauty had faded; she was now a withered crone and age had caught up with her. She placed a phone with Magical Siri enabled. ‘Use this well. Charge it and address it with respect when you need help. Do not show this to anyone, on pain of death. Never let the phone go into Low Power Mode, the graphics look horrible and for some reason it starts talking in Japanese.’  
And with that, her mother died.   
Vassilissa was confounded – her mother must have worked for a top-secret division of Apple or something – the phone cost more than her father’s weekly salary, and everyone knew that she couldn’t buy anything more than what Father earns in a week. Oh, the hardships of being wealthy and privileged.   
-  
Somehow, her father had gotten the daft idea that he needed to remarry. ‘Vassilissa needs a mother figure in her life,’ he must have thought. So, he went onto a dating app and entered his search query – tall, beautiful and (hopefully) rich. Sadly, only two of the criteria were fulfilled: tall and beautiful. Vassilissa’s father, however, needed to trust her, so he sent his own daughter over on a playdate, with his (hopefully) soon-to-be stepdaughters. They treated her like royalty, giving her fine trinkets and bracelets to wear, and when Vassilissa came home her face was smeared with horrid make-up.   
Vassilissa’s daft father believed this, and he went on a sailing trip with his friends, maybe planning to circumnavigate the world. Before he left, though, he got married. His new wife moved in and he left poor Vassilissa all alone. The instant her father left, the evil stepmother dropped her nice act, and took away all electronics (except for the magical Siri-enabled phone) and she changed the WiFi password! How dare she!   
The house was eventually sold, and Vassilissa’s evil Wi-Fi-stealing family dragged her over to a decrepit house in the forest. There was no service, and even her stepsisters hated their mother for it. They couldn’t even text their friends! Vassilissa was locked in the attic at the top of the house, stuffed in cheap $2 clothes and socks with holes. Vassilissa was forced to scrub the floors without any cleaning agent, trying to remove year-old cat vomit and only god knows what else.   
All the sisters snickered behind their backs, whipping out their phones to take blackmail material—I mean photos, anyway, continuing on. Vassilissa had to work clean the toilets, help cook the mystery meat for the nearby cafeteria and even write a sleepworthy school assembly speech!   
Vassilissa wept, and once she was locked safely (well, not really safely) away in her attic, she took out her phone and turned on Siri.  
‘Hey, Siri, what do I do? I can’t do any of this!’  
‘Fall asleep. When you wake up, all the terrible chores will be gone!’  
Vassilissa gasped with excitement! She wouldn’t get any calluses, and no calluses meant that she wouldn’t have to reset her Touch ID!

Later that night, Vassilissa’s sisters accidentally turned the power off. They moaned, as the only back-up generator was at the witch’s house in the forest. Sensing an evil plan, they sent Vassilissa out into the forest to retrieve the generator. Vassilissa wept in the attic, but pulled out her phone.   
‘Oh, Siri! What do I do?’ she wept.  
‘Starting Google Maps,’ Siri said.   
On the screen lead a long, glowing, blue route towards a location labeled: ‘Creepy House in Forest,’  
The distance was approximately 1.5km. Vassilissa headed out.

As Vassilissa was walking out, she saw three cars pass by – one red, one white and one black. Still she kept going.  
Vassilissa wandered into the witch hut, shivering from the cold. She spied the witch and asked her for the emergency generator.   
Baba Yaga, the witch, screeched when she saw the strange light coming from her pocket.   
‘You have a phone? I do not want to hurt technology-loving kids. All they complain about is their lack of service out here, and it’s not as fun as making them beg for forgiveness!’  
Baba Yaga let Vassilissa head off with the emergency generator. When Vassilissa got home, she turned on the emergency generator. Suddenly, it fried her stepfamily! Siri chimed in suddenly stating that she needed to walk to a certain skyscraper in the city, and earn enough money to gain recognition once more. Vassilissa followed suit, heading to the skyscraper, diligently following Google Maps, when she realized that the work was weaving linen. Vassilissa moaned – but Siri saved the day, once more, by opening a YouTube tutorial on how to weave linen. Gradually, Vassilissa’s weaving gained enough reputation that she came to the attention of an old actor.   
The actor said, ‘If you can weave me enough linen of the finest quality, I will marry you.’  
Vassilissa was a little dismayed at this, as she did not want to be married by someone who was more than triple her age. But still she did it, and followed the actor’s orders, because he was just generally richer than her, and if she didn’t, then he might make a callout post on Instagram, and it would ruin her reputation forever. So Vassilissa followed the YouTube tutorial once more, and she won the hand of the old actor. However, she was a little creeped out by the age difference, so she consulted Siri.  
‘Just marry him!’ Siri urged. Fine. But as she turned around, he was peeling layers and layers of prosthetic makeup off. ‘Sorry,’ he apologised. ‘I just finished a movie shoot.’ Vassilissa gaped in amazement as she realised that the actor was one of Hollywood’s well known good-looking bachelors, and they got hooked up immediately.  
Her father came back from his sailing trip for the wedding, and they all lived happily ever after.   
Because, you know, this is a fairytale.

**Author's Note:**

> oh look! i got back into writing after like 3 months of writers block rip
> 
> as for my other works, i either orphaned them or deleted em im not really sorry they were really disgusting and hard to look at actually -----


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